psychotic

there are things that can push me to the edge of insanity and understand  crimes of passion.  I literally want to scream at the top of my lungs. feelings are so damn intense. in my anatomy class last semester I learned that during a woman's period her estrogen drops significantly more so on birth control.  all I know I hit an unnatural low a low that makes me think that I am hardly in control of myself at all. mildmaking me fear that with age I'll lose my mind. a anger, a frustrate, a self loathing that is  strong enough to give me a head ache. I would love to blame this self loathing on my dearest David who loves me dearly but no that would not be true. I could say he is the one who wants me to get this second job in the first place so it is his fault i feel so bad about myself for not getting a job easily. who wants to hire me. but when i am feeling sane normal and happy i gladly take the challege to work more and want to work to make our life happy. in a side note im very glad i didnt throw my french press in my fit of insanity.  I have no idea what i will do when I have kids I cant  imagine that working out  so  well .  well off to my job that i have that I would love more hours with that way me and david would make our saving goals. I love making goals with david. I dont know why i fight him we want the same thing he is constantly being level heading and kind. talking me out of what ever im throwing a fit about. a fit that i actually dont care for.  I hope for two things that I learn how to love more and more, and in the midst of  emotions to be still and know love.