good morning

most boring begin the same with the same mellow emotion of happy. determined to do what i  have planned to do no self loathing no dislike for anyone or anything. I pretty much would love to stay in this mental state all day. but it seem as the day goes on and you have more in put to ability to stay in happy neutral dies.  and the way to continue in a happy way seems to be the feeling of productivity. I am very good at  unproductivity. I dont think im a very good house wife. its really hard to think of things that need to be done around the apartment. it always looks perfectly clean to me its not like there is anyone to make it messy. and what i dont get is why david gets home from work and starts cleaning stuff  thats already clean. it really makes no sense to me  and he wants me to do that but really i dont see what he thinks is dirty. and when he cleans he doesnt understand bacteria and how grows transmits and what kills it he seems to think soap and a sponge with kill it.... lol soap just breaks water surface tention so you can easly clean of surfaces making water a more efficient solutions.  anyways he is really smart about alot of thinks but bio anything he is definately more practical than i am. I get hung up on information and conflicting information. for example if you say something and to me what you say are two things that sound conflicting they both delete each other because when you say A & B and A slightly  contradicts B neither can exist together.  so it is like you've said nothing.  but enough of my rambling.

psychotic

there are things that can push me to the edge of insanity and understand  crimes of passion.  I literally want to scream at the top of my lungs. feelings are so damn intense. in my anatomy class last semester I learned that during a woman's period her estrogen drops significantly more so on birth control.  all I know I hit an unnatural low a low that makes me think that I am hardly in control of myself at all. mildmaking me fear that with age I'll lose my mind. a anger, a frustrate, a self loathing that is  strong enough to give me a head ache. I would love to blame this self loathing on my dearest David who loves me dearly but no that would not be true. I could say he is the one who wants me to get this second job in the first place so it is his fault i feel so bad about myself for not getting a job easily. who wants to hire me. but when i am feeling sane normal and happy i gladly take the challege to work more and want to work to make our life happy. in a side note im very glad i didnt throw my french press in my fit of insanity.  I have no idea what i will do when I have kids I cant  imagine that working out  so  well .  well off to my job that i have that I would love more hours with that way me and david would make our saving goals. I love making goals with david. I dont know why i fight him we want the same thing he is constantly being level heading and kind. talking me out of what ever im throwing a fit about. a fit that i actually dont care for.  I hope for two things that I learn how to love more and more, and in the midst of  emotions to be still and know love.